dankmemes | test drive meme #19

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!test drive

test drive meme #19

Welcome to Hadriel's test drive, and thank you again for your interest in the game! As always, our reserves page is here, and our applications page is here! Reserves open April 24th, and apps are open May 1st. Please remember that there is an app cap of 20 apps.

Two quick points here as well:
1. Any thread made in Hadriel's test drive will be accepted as the sole Action Log sample in the application.
2. All threads made in the test drive can be considered game canon, either through handwaving or through a shared mental experience while coming through the Door!

Test drives will be broken up into specific god mini-events, during which your characters can see how well they fare under the watchful eye of one of the gods. Choose wisely or just simply pick 'em all, and have fun!

F E A R

SCENARIO ONE: WHAT A FUNGI
[The Door brings in all that is chaotic and evil in the world. This may include you, may include the person next to you... and may include the monster behind you.

There you are, walking along, minding your own business, when you come upon a strange... something buried in the ground. No sooner have you noticed it then it pops out, ready to attack. This time, the Door has brought in some Mushbooms, from the Secret of Mana video game.

Mushbooms are large mushroom-shaped creatures that seem to be quite upset that you've infringed upon their territory - though who knew it was their territory to begin with? They attack unpredictably, dancing around before lashing out, and if you're not careful they might just hit you with sleeping powder. But who doesn't need a little nap sometimes?]

S O R R O W

SCENARIO TWO: SHALL WE DANCE?
[You received your invitation - now it's time to attend. Yes, it's the night of Sorrow's masquerade, and surely you're coming prepared. You've found an outfit in the shops, and maybe even a matching mask. You've learned the steps to a dance or two, or maybe you're counting on your partner teaching you.

What will you do, now that you're at the masquerade? Will you enjoy the delicate refreshments on the tables to the side, stuffing your face to avoid making eye contact? Will you make like a wallflower and watch people dance, hoping to be asked yourself? Or maybe you're the brave type, and you'll walk right up to a lovely person and ask them out on the floor. Whatever you do, the night is young - there'll be time for plenty more.

This is a mini version of the last day of our Seven Days of Hadriel event this month!]

C O N F U S I O N

SCENARIO THREE: NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[So you called your friend - you're sure you did. You opened up your phone, hit their name in your contacts list, and started chatting. Maybe you have something important to say, maybe you just wanted to shoot the shit. Only - somehow, it's not your friend. It might be a different friend, a perfect stranger, or even someone you hate. Let's hope they speak up before you say something too embarrassing, right?

Or you might be the one getting the call. You answered the phone, and someone started talking as if they knew you - as if you're a close personal friend of theirs. But who the hell is this, anyway? What are you going to do, speak up or let them keep rambling on about their latest fight with their best friend? You might even recognize their voice - wait, did they just call you sweetie? Oh shit, they definitely think they called their boyfriend. Wow, this is awkward.

The longer you wait to speak up the weirder it'll be. Unless, of course, you have no sense of shame at all and are happy to let them make a fool of themselves.]

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[Taako makes sure to let out a loud, overdramatic sigh, as a continued reminder of how agitated he is and how much he does not want to be doing this.]

Alright, listen. We left you at the Fantasy Costco, went to the Director, and she was gonna destroy the Bell. Merle got us into her office while she was busy, so we start heading to like, the back part or whatever, and Lich Barry was telling us how to get through but there like, wasn't anything there. We just figured he was full of shit and kept going, except then we both sank into the floor and I got pulled under and woke up here.

[A beat.]

Fuck, that was definitely not real. That was the trap. Shit.

[Well, too little too late.]

That couldn't have been, like, transportation magic or whatever though, because then Merle would be here too.

So we still don't have answers... we're down two teammates... and we have no idea what the fuck is going on. Alright. Okay. ...Okay.

I'm running with... [He snaps.] The invisible monsters are also inordinately magical! Wait, no, that still doesn't explain Merle... Aaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhh. Why is Ango not here, we need a child to save us from having to think.

[Well, he rolled a 19 on his Investigation check sooooo I guess that means he suddenly notices there are a small crowd of random other people he doesn't know that look as lost as they do. Also, these mushroom monsters and the invisible monsters? Definitely not the same monsters.]

Call me crazy, but I'm starting to think this has nothing to do with what was happening at the Bureau. We're not the only ones surprised to be here.

...But I am the only one that seems to be naked, so. Good news for everyone there. Sort of.

[Taako folds his arms, and at Magnus' discussion, looks around a little. Huh. Okay. Not alone here, good to know, but still Decidedly No Merle. Regardless, he screws up his face a little as he thinks.]

Hang on, lemme try something.

[He rolls up his sleeve just a bit and taps on the rune on his bracer a few times, and... nothing happens. Obviously.]

... Huh. Yeah. D'you think we ended up in another plane or something? That doesn't usually happen instantly though.

[He starts rooting around for his Stone of Far Speech, and then curses under his breath a bit.]

Right. Can't call Krav because Lich Barry shattered our Stones of Far Speech. Can't call the Bureau because we're in, I dunno, the void or something. Like, I know we're incredibly important but if someone wanted to hire us or whatever this level of kidnapping wasn't at all necessary.

[Kidnapping... That seems unlikely, too, because that normally involves being unable to leave where you wake up, but from what Magnus can tell they basically have full run of the place, wherever it is.

And, since he did roll a 19 and I forgot about this, he finally notices that the sky ain't a sky. That's definitely a thing too.]

Actually, it looks sort of like we're underground? Maybe--

Wait, hold on. "Krav"? Kravitz? Why would you have that guy's number? He's not exactly our buddy. Especially since we've died a ton since he tried to kill us.

[Mmmmmmmm whoops, he shakes his hand a little bit as an obvious dismissal.]

Don't worry about it. Anyway, I don't think it matters where we are, 'cuz we couldn't get out anyway, so, uh... yeah, we're still pretty boned I think.

[Seriously, this sucks. Everything was already stressful and now it's only getting moreso and he'd really love a martini and a nap right about now.]

I dunno, I'd say the real action item here is getting you some pants and then someplace to clean my cape so I can forget your dick was all over it.

[Wow, that was a smooth dodge. So smooth, Magnus barely noticed that his question was completely ignored, and he is 100% Distracted.]

Yeah, pants would be great. Or at least a nice pair of comfy shorts. It is midsummer. Then once we get out of this cave, we can check if the bracer just isn't responding because we're underground. Just in case?

[He gestures for Taako to follow and starts on what looks like the path of least resistance through the mushroom monsters. He's unarmed, and he may be able to punch his way through a small crowd of them, but he doesn't want to force Taako to pick up his slack too much.

Still, there's enough of them concentrated in this area that he's punching his way through before long.]

[He acknowledges Magnus' idea with a small 'mmm' noise, but he only got an 11 on his fuckin perception so he's just gonna roll with it rn. This is, as are most things in his life, a temporary setback from a bigger and brighter goal. Frankly, he's not too keen on doing anything big and flashy right now- they're stuck in an unknown place, and these mushrooms or whatever are chump change, and he doesn't want to waste all his spells. But he will dart some Rays of Frost whenever any of 'em are going too fast at Magnus. That's close enough to helping.

The more they go, though, the more this situation bothers him, and he pauses for a moment to cast Detect Magic.

Except... everything's magic.

Taako stops in his stride, looking around him a little more fervently.]

Okay, okay, no. Not that we normally get kidnapped to caves in the blink of an eye, but this place is magic up the wazoo. Something's goin' on here.

[Magnus stops when he notices Taako's fallen behind and turns to look at him. When Taako says that, though, Magnus looks around like he can discern anything based on that. Which of course he can't.]

Magic how? What's it doing? Can you... tell that?

[Magic. Of course it's magic, which explains why it's pretty much over Magnus' head entirely. He knows when magic fireballs are flying at him, okay, that's as familiar as he's decided he needs to be.]

It's not an illusion or something, is it? That would explain some things.

No, it's like... with illusion magic, once you know it's bullshit, it disappears. I've been saying this is bullshit since we like, got here, it would've left by now.

[God, he has to shut the spell off, everything' too bright for this.]

I can't tell what kind of magic this is. Just that it's hella magic. Like, everything here is a stupid level of magic.

[A worrying kind of thought occurs to him, though he doesn't understand how it could've happened.]

I don't think we're on, uh, the same plane anymore, Mag.

[Uh.]

Plane, like, how there's our plane and the astral plane and all those other planes Lucas was messing with? That kind of plane? We're definitely saying that kind of plane and not a "plane" hot dog with none of the fixin's, right? I don't... remember seeing one like this in Lucas' lab.

[He looks around a little more to see if there's anything at all familiar about his surroundings. And he rolled a fucking 3 on his investigation check so he's just, like, kind of sure he's underground right now. That's where he's at.]

Dude, we just saw the astral plane, too, and it was looking real fucked up. Remember? Maybe that's connected somehow, like... I don't know. Hell, I think those invisible monsters might have been on another plane, too.

No, yeah, like Lucas' thing. Maybe someone else is just fucking around and the walls between worlds are just, uh, falling apart!

[He says it completely jovially, like a joke, and then... stops to consider the implications about what he just said. Wwwwelp.]

... Actually, uh, that would be bad. Like, really bad. But again, I feel like somebody should've, uh, noticed that was happening, that's not us? Don't you think the gods would be getting involved? Isn't it their job to, uh, not let this happen or something?

Yyyyeah, this definitely seems like god territory. And... not our fault, right? Taako, you don't think we might've accidentally did this somehow, do you? I mean, I'm firmly in the "not our fault" camp right now. That's where I generally like to be.

[They have been kind of playing fast and loose with the rules lately, pretty much... ever since Magnus got launched clear out of his body. Those were dire circumstances, to be fair. And not even his fault for once.]

Who would even be able to do something this fucked up? Lucas wouldn't, not after everything that happened...

[Despite himself, he lets out a little bark of a laugh.]

Yeah, you got me, this was all my idea. Gonna rip down the curtain here and the entire Bureau is gonna be laughing at your dick. No, Mangus, god, why would I fuckin' do that, of course this isn't our fault.

[That's a long, slightly cruel way to go for a joke, and not something he'd at all be interested in doing.]

I dunno who's targeting us here. Maybe another god finally got pissed Istus gave us cool shit and we keep breaking death laws. I know Lich Barry said, like, the thing the Director said about Red Robes was fake, but maybe that's not, either.

We've pissed, uh, a lot of people off in the last year.

[And he is wholly uncomfortable with the implications of that, too.]

Eeeeuuuugh.

[Yeah, excuse him, Magnus is just running through his mind the name and face of each individual person who could possibly have a motive to seek revenge on them.

It's a lot of fucking people. Not to mention probably gods. There's been some real heretical acts being pulled as of late.]

Yyyyeah, uh, new theory: half the pantheon is really, just, real peeved with us, they've got some real hornets in their bonnets over us, just like, as a unit, and they're just heisting everyone who said their name wrong in the past year while they're at it. And they separated us from Merle because he's a holy man.

[He snaps. He's really got it this time.]

Yep, got it in one, I'm good to go.

[Yeah, okay, that works for him.]

So what, you think this is, uh, some god realm, and now we're just here to suffer because we've betrayed one too many laws?

[That's metal as fuck, tbh, but probably not very practical.]

And besides, Merle's murdered more people than both of us. Or, uh, wanted to. We're helping Istus, that should be enough God Stuff for a while, right? Maybe this is like, uh, the god gauntlet or whatever, because other people think we're just too cool, and Pan had to step in for Merle and call dibsies.

Maybe [And Magnus snaps his fingers this time.] we've uncovered a dark secret somewhere in Fantasy Egypt, and revived an old pharaoh as a mummy, and now we are suffering the thousands-of-years-old curse. Or this is an amusement park and all the cowboys are actually androids and they want to kill us. Or! We're contract killers that kill targets through time travel, and to retire we have to kill our future selves and close the loop, but Bruce Willis who plays an old Magnus has escaped, using his own memories to predict our movements!

[He's about to keep going and summarizing movie plots. He will never stop.]

[Taako can't stop himself from laughing, talking through his own bouts of chuckle.]

No, see, obviously Merle is gonna show up all Doc Brown and we're going to have to fight our past selves, which is gonna be super easy considering a year ago me got knocked down by a magic missile. Or no, wait, I got it, this is all actually a big setup for a huge shark.

[They are unstoppable and absolutely not addressing the problem at hand, but when do they ever.]

Oh nooo! They're gonna flood the cave with shark-infested waterrrrs!

[He kind of flails his arms a bit in faux-horror.]

Wait, no, unless... We've become data and have been trapped in a computer and we have to survive against all the computer programs' wild antics! Which means what we need is to find a friendly security program to protect us.

[What is that? Computers haven't been invented yet? Or movies?? That sounds like someone else's problem.]

[He laughs harder, leaning on his umbrella for support, waving his left arm in the air as he continues the joke.]

No, we gotta, we gotta find the guy with the pills and break out of the simulation, and, and learn how to do sweet kung-fu moves and pick new names and shit. We better start figuring that one out now, it's gonna take a while.

[Movies aren't real and nobody even cares.]

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test drive meme #19

that's not good enough it's touched his dick he Has to burn it

a lot of things have touched magnus' dick if you really think about it

i don't think taako wants to think about magnus' Dick Touching List

heres an itemized list of things that have both touched magnus' donger and taako

even One thing being on that list is too many things

well one of the things is taakos cloak now, and that was all you dude

sacrifices had to be made for the safety of viewers. namely taako

continues tagging this thread anyway because i will thread w u into eternity

same lmao

thank god

we are Unstoppable

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