dankmemes | test drive meme #11

Welcome to Hadriel's test drive, and thank you again for your interest in the game! As always, our reserves page is here, and our applications page is here! Reserves open July 25th, and apps are open August 1st.

Two quick points here as well:
1. Any thread made in Hadriel's test drive will be accepted as the sole Action Log sample in the application.
2. All threads made in the test drive can be considered game canon, either through handwaving or through a shared mental experience while coming through the Door!

Test drives will be broken up into specific god mini-events, during which your characters can see how well they fare under the watchful eye of one of the gods. Choose wisely or just simply pick 'em all, and have fun!

F E A R

SCENARIO ONE: WORKING TITLE
[The Door brings in all that is chaotic and evil in the world. This may include you, may include the person next to you... and may include the monster behind you.

Watch out as you explore the streets of Hadriel, because you're not alone, and there's always something lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect chance to swarm around you and chow down. This time, the Door has brought in a few Working Joes, from the Alien: Isolation video game series.

Once simply androids meant for mundane jobs, working Joes have had their programming altered to isolate and eliminate threats onboard their ship- which they now believe to be Hadriel. Super strong, yet slow and plodding, an android may ask you for identification before throttling you when you don't have the right answer. They are quite sturdy and difficult to destroy without the right tools. Have fun!]

H O P E

SCENARIO TWO: BEAUTIFICATION DUTY
[The city has always looked a little drab, but now with some tools from Hope, it's up to you guys to spruce it up a bit! Your character will find themselves in a shop filled with various paints, home improvement tools, window stickers, streamers, and various other items and tools used to improve the appearance of the neighborhood.

You're encouraged to add your own little flair to the project in order to improve living standards and make Hope the happiest god in the pantheon. So, what will you do? Paint a mural? Sweep up some rubble? Install a skylight! The cave is your oyster.

This is a mini version of our Extinction v2 event this month!]

S O R R O W

SCENARIO THREE: CRY ME A RIVER
[When you wake up in the morning, something feels... off. It feels like you just watched 20 ASPCA commercials in a row and then topped it all off with the first ten minutes of Up. You're beaten down, depressed, upset by all the horrific acts and trauma in the world, and it's enough to make you want to cry.

Turn on the waterworks, because Hadriel is about to have a shortage of tissues and everyone's getting dehydrated. You might run into your neighbor crying while you're scavenging for food, or you might just find that one whole asshole in the entire movie who isn't affected.

Either way, it's time to get some hugs, some kleenex, and maybe a little bit of chocolate. Happy... crying?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[God this guy really has no medium restraint at all, does he? It's kinda refreshing, honestly, even if it's also prickling at his senses some.

Well, he'll deal with it. One way or another.]

Y'got a real way with words, buddy. And I gotta skele-ton of skele-puns, just you wait.

[Another "game". Well, Sans supposes he's not wrong, exactly.]

Yeah, so this place is somethin' else entirely. Nothing to be done about it.

[Not at all! You need a guy to give the fourth wall a good kick now and then. Or all the time, in Zacharie's case.]

I will wait in anticipation for you to tickle my funny bone, amigo. As for this game, it's OFF in a few ways I am not used to but I can adapt. After all, there seem to be a number of protagonists that can buy my items.

[Just nobody tell him there's really no money here. Or that he's getting an inventory reduction if he gets in.]

The only real concern is the monsters. Apparently it is within the rules to attack me. It's rather rude.

[Better watch what you say about monsters, buddy. Some of them have ears (metaphorically), and don't appreciate being lumped in with their violent counterparts.]

Yeah, so it turns out Hadriel here doesn't give a crap when it comes to your, uh, typical limitations. Otherwise I'd've set up a hot dog stand and watched everything happen from the safety of my shopkeeper status.

['Course, that's not to say he won't do it anyway.]

[He'll keep those metaphorical ears in mind if it comes up. As for now it's the only word he's got to keep it different from the specters.]

A shame my specter eradicating friend is not around to lend a hand. These types are different than the typical enemy from my game but he would have a field day.

[In more ways than one. But really, Zacharie has no plans on doing more than what he's used to. Unlike a certain someone here, he's not a boss fight on a different route. Just a merchant.

Well, unless someone needs The Judge. Then he'd be happy to do that.]

Your friend's ghost a problem with non-corporeals?

[Kind of a bizarrely specific monster to fixate on, especially since, to Sans's knowledge, aren't ghosts generally invulnerable to physical attack? But, eh, multiversal variation and all that. It's never quite clear.]

The Batter has a mission to purify the land of the phantoms plaguing it and the player is assisting him in this holy task. It's a real specter-acle.

[Especially the ending, but since that passed with a severe lack of flying colors, it doesn't matter.]

And that's where I come in, the only item merchant in the game. I make quite a bit of money and they are able to equip The Batter with weapons to make sure they don't face the Game Over screen for the umpteen time.

[Even if the only 'weapons' Zacharie sells are baseball bat. Hey, gotta stick to that theme, you know?]

[The player. So a secondary entity.

Boy, but does that sound familiar. What's this "Batter" got to help him through it, huh? Determination? But that's assuming he's even human, which...it's not clear if Zacharie is either. It doesn't really matter one way or another.]

And you got no problems helpin' him out? Even if he might not have, uh...everyone's best interests at heart?

[So Sans might be projecting a little bit. Sue him.]

[Perhaps. But it's less determination this time and more about who's in control.]

Ah ah ah. None at all. I am merely the items merchant and although I did play the part of The Judge in one section of the game, I am not in a position to judge.

[The rendering of that belonged to his friend: The Judge. The jury was the player and the executioner....well, that all depended on you, didn't it Zero?]

Besides, OFF in the end is just a video game. Another player will play it and things will repeat.

[So nothing matters.]

[This is getting to sound eerily familiar. The lights in Sans's eyesockets shrink slightly as he keeps grinning, his smile stretching wider and wider as he contemplates how to approach this.]

So nothing you do matters, huh?

[He chuckles. Isn't that one a laugh.]

Who is in the position to judge?

[Zacharie simply shrugs. If he really is bothered by the shift in tone...well, with the mask it's hard to tell.]

I am the obligatory items merchant. No more, no less.

[It's not really a proper answer to anyone else. But in this case it means a little more. There's literally nothing he can do. And it really doesn't seem like he minds, does he?]

And judgement is rendered by the player at the end of the game. Ah ah ah, but I cannot say anymore! Too much would be spoilers and I'm not one to give them out.

[Isn't that always the way. The one behind the wheel dictates which way things go. Sans laughs again, looks away. Fair enough.]

Never was one for surprises.

[But he doesn't push it. The subject matter is delicate enough without him taking a proverbial saw to it.]

That seems kinda arbitrary. But who are we to complain?

OFF wouldn't be OFF without my dear friend. And I would be credit-less! It's really only Main Characters and their puppeteers who buy from me.

[And that's the way the game works. It's better that way.]

But in the end, the game will not play without a player. And who better to end the game than the one who started it?

['memores acti prudentes futuri', and all that.]

Well, I'm no one's main character. Just the wacky comic relief.

[He shrugs, trying and failing to ignore the way the words send an unpleasant tingle down his vertebrae. The game doesn't play itself. You finish what you start - only that's not entirely how it plays out, not every time.

But there's a world of difference here. Maybe Sans shouldn't so readily apply the circumstances of someone else's world to his own, even if they sound eerily similar.]

And you are purrfect at it.

[He could say something else here but he won't. It wouldn't be a proverbial saw anymore, just a proverbial sledgehammer.]

But nevertheless, this has been a very interesting conversation that lead to frequent thread expanding. And frequent eavesdropping! Hello again, friends.

[Coming down the street are a couple of the Working Joes that have been dogging the merchant for awhile now. Well, at least they could say Zacharie has been giving them a workout. He bends down to pick up his backpack.]

Do you wish to continue this conversation elsewhere or consider this a surprise attack from a random encounter?

Nah, I won't keep ya. Gotta make money when you can, right?

[Or..."credits," anyway. G stopped being important to Sans a long time ago, which might be why he's accumulated such an ungodly tab on both Grillby's side and Muffet's, and he'll be indebted to them for probably the remainder of his predictably short life.]

Keep an eye on who you sell your stuff to, yeah? They can't all be winners.

Of course.

[But no promises. His customers are customers. It didn't matter who they were or what they needed Zacharie's items for. They just needed to pay for them.]

And with that, thank you for the wonderful conversation! I will be around whenever you need me.

[And with the Working Joes closing in, Zacharie starts off in the opposite direction at a jog. He'll probably blip out of existence whenever Sans isn't looking. Bye for now.]

test drive meme #11

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