dankmemes | test drive meme #28

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!test drive

test drive meme #28

Welcome to Hadriel's test drive, and thank you again for your interest in the game! As always, our reserves page is here, and our applications page is here! Reserves open January 25th, and apps are open February 1st. Please remember that there is an app cap of 20 apps.

Two quick points here as well:
1. Any thread made in Hadriel's test drive will be accepted as the sole Action Log sample in the application.
2. All threads made in the test drive can be considered game canon, either through handwaving or through a shared mental experience while coming through the Door!

Test drives will be broken up into specific god mini-events, during which your characters can see how well they fare under the watchful eye of one of the gods. Choose wisely or just simply pick 'em all, and have fun!

F E A R

SCENARIO ONE: GOT ANY BREATH MINTS?
[The Door brings in all that is chaotic and evil in the world. This may include you, may include the person next to you... and may include the monster behind you.

It looks like this time the Door is going for a little variety. You get to enjoy a couple kinds of chaos serpents, from the video game Hexen.

Chaos serpents are bipedal reptilian creatures with three horns, in two different colors. They can bite, as with most monsters, but the real threat is their breath weapons. The green ones spit powerful fireballs, while the brown ones spit clouds of poisonous gas. If you're lucky, they'll fight each other instead of you - but who ever gets lucky here?]

L O V E

SCENARIO TWO: ONE MINUTE IN HEAVEN
[Remember that first rush of infatuation, when your heart beats fast and your cheeks get red and you feel like you could do anything - anything - to get your crush's attention? Maybe you don't. Maybe you're too level-headed for that. Well, not anymore.

Now, whenever you meet a new person, you feel one solid minute of the most intense crush you've ever had. Their hair! Those eyes! Those incredibly attractive arm muscles! That tinkling laugh! Maybe you're the type to get nervous, maybe you'll swallow seven packets of hot sauce to show how cool you are, maybe you'll just lay down your very best pickup lines. Maybe more than one of the above - there are so many ways to embarrass yourself in 60 seconds!

But then time's up, and your insta-crush is gone, and now you get to deal with the consequences. What did you say? What did you do? That laugh you thought was beautiful and tinkling turns out to be obnoxious and honking. Also, you're pretty sure you just hit on your neighbor. But hey... maybe they actually are pretty hot, and you just made the first move. It's possible!]

C O N F U S I O N

SCENARIO THREE: THE PITTER PATTER OF LITTLE FEET
[There you were, minding your own business, when you suddenly fell into a deep sleep. Not that you remember that - now all you remember is being a child, as your consciousness has taken the form of your younger self. Here's your opportunity to run around and get into all the trouble you could hope for!

Or maybe you didn't become a child - maybe someone else did. Did some random kid just run up to you, confused and a little scared, or possibly just obnoxious? It'd be nice of you to help them out. Unless you hate kids, and hey, who can blame you? They're loud and somehow their little hands always seem to be sticky. Still. Make sure they don't run straight into the monsters outside the city, all right?

This is a mini version of our Hope of a Child event this month.]

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[.....yeah. Fuck this.]

I was going to be nice, [Ephemera tells him slowly, taking a step forward.] Because you're one of Washington's and I'm trying this anger management thing. But you're starting to piss me off.

[He doesn't like being mocked. That's the only explanation Ephemera can think of for the Sim trooper's behavior. Therefore, he feels completely justified in making a good attempt at ramming his knee into the guy's dick.]

[Hey, hey! He wasn't mocking him! Every flirtatious word was in complete earnest for the next forty-nine seconds.

Tucker felt his eyes widened as he took a step back, unsure how a) he was pissing him off, and b) when Wash started to own him; if anything, Wash was more theirs than vice versa. Dude, come on, the facts kinda spoke for themselves.]

You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me--

[And that was all he got out before a knee rammed into his dick, knocking the wind out of his lungs and dropping him to his knees in a fit of twisted up agony. Okay. Yeah. That was way worse than getting a drink thrown in your face.

He thought he might throw up as he sat there, doubled over. ] W...what the...ffffuck? S...should've known... you'd be feisty. [Forty seconds.]

[Don't kill the idiot. Don't kill the idiot. Don't you dare kill one of Washington's idiots. Ephemera repeats the mantra in his head, furiously. He doesn't like this man and the situation is starting to make him uneasy, a nagging feeling like he's missed something crawling up from the surface.

For one, the man sounds sincere. For another, he doesn't give up even after Ephemera's clocked him in the dick.

The gods are fucking with him, Ephemera decides. Either that or he's finally lost it completely.

Awesome.]

Hey, baby.

[Ephemera lifts up his arm. Activities his flame thrower. Lets the fire dance a little. His voice is tight, angry. Just like his stance.]

Try that again and I'll show you a really hot time.

[This wasn't going well. This wasn't fucking going well. Sure, he was used to being shot down, getting told no, having people get disgusted and walk away, but it had been some time before he had basically saved a planet that he had been kicked in the dick for antics like this. God, he forgot how much it hurt.

And now--

Well, now we're bringing weapons into it.

Tucker stared, and some part of him, some tiny, itty little bit of him knew he shouldn't say anything. Really. He did. But his heart was still doing that beating thing and well--]

Is it hot in here, or just you? [He swallowed, the pain like a weight in his gut still, but the words wouldn't stop.] Because, dude, I'm thinking it's both.

[Sorry.]

[Ephemera felt his good eye twitching. He's being mocked. He decidedly does not like it.

Washington will definitely be pissed if one of his men gets killed. Or seriously maimed. But.

Ephemera leans forward a little.]

You'll live.

[At which point he activates the flame thrower for a short, bright burst.

It'll probably shock the hell out of the guy and sting a bit, but the survival suits are aptly named. A short burst probably won't do permanent damage.

Probably.]

[Well, flamethrowers. That... that was a new response to extensive flirting, something even more violent than he was used to. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Seriously?]

You could've just said you're not interested, asshole!

[Even if Tucker still was. Even if he still was while the fire was being shot out because what was his life, really? A mix of danger and hormones, apparently.

Thirty seconds.

Hot. Hot hot hot hot hot hot. He could feel it through the suit and he fell back onto his ass as he tried to scoot back and away to some semblance of saety and freedom. Seriously, this is how you wound up single for the rest of your life. Or, you know, dead. Dead works, too.]

This wasn't what I meant when I said you were hot, dickweasel!

Oh, shut up.

[Ephemera doesn't bother hiding the anger in his voice, lifting his arm to track the Sim trooper's movements. Just in case. He's supposed to be playing nice with people, but this one is pissing him off. Seriously, who keeps hitting on someone after taking a hit to the groin? It can't get much clearer than that.]

You'll fucking live. Oh, and in case that wasn't clear? Stop hitting on me. Or I really will set you on fire.

[Well, that was pretty much it, set in stone, right? Stop hitting on him. Stop flirting with him. Do it again under the penalty of death.

Was it really that different than when he used to hit on Tex, though? Or Carolina? Or Kimball? Pretty sure each one threatened to murder him at least twenty times a day, and he was somehow still alive to talk about it. Of course they hadn't set him on fire, but he was pretty sure that Tex had crushed his balls once or twice.]

Fine, I'll just hit on you from out of arm's length!

[Don't announce it, you idiot.]

[Ephemera just stares at him.]

You are not making a good case for yourself. Any particular reason I shouldn't turn you into barbecue?

[Staring was better than killing him, he guessed. Fuck, why couldn't he just shut his own mouth? Why did he keep saying such stupid things? Shit, was this worse than normal, and that's saying something.

But he opened his mouth again, and doing that? Wasn't doing him any favors.]

Because the hotter you make me, the more irresistible you get?

[Ten seconds.]

[Ephemera stares at the man.]

The fuck is wrong with you?

[Annnnd ding ding ding, time's up. The dawning realization of who he was flirting with (flirting with? he had been full-blown hitting on him) came crashing down upon him like an out-of-control Pelican. His stomach bottomed out, some rollercoaster level drop, and he started to back up as he shivered. Oh, Sharkface, you might not be able to see his expression, but note that it was full of horror.]

What. The. Fuckity. Fuck. Fuck!

[There we go. That was the reaction that should have been taking hold of him this entire time. He scooted back, hopped to his feet, and made sure to put enough space between them. Yeah. Yeah, that was way better.]

Look, I swear, I don't know what the fuck happened, but that wasn't me.

[....what.]

Pretty sure that was all you, motherfucker.

[Ephemera is not even slightly amused.]

I'm running out of reasons not to give you back to Washington in pieces.

[Yeah, exactly, what? Because while Tucker was completely on board with hitting on everything that moved, breathed, and sometimes did neither, known enemies were where he drew the line.

Especially enemies who threatened...that.]

Hey, Wash isn't my babysitter. [Shut up, Tucker; everyone knew he was.] Look, let's just forget this whole thing ever happened, okay? Fair?

[Because that sounded way fair to him.]

[Ephemera growls a curse under his breath.]

Do not make me regret this.

Trust me, even if you do, I don't plan on sticking around long enough to find out.

[In this place. Around you. Both applied in this moment, this stay, and he was damn sure to keep it present. He started to back away, never letting Sharkface leave his sight as he moved, not stupid enough to show the man his back. Good so far; let's see if he could keep it going until he was in the clear.]

And, uh, don't tell Wash about this!

[Ephemera scowls.]

Nah. I tell him, at least I get the satisfaction of knowing he dressed you down for it. Idiot.

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test drive meme #28

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i'm sorry for him

Dooon't be! This is beautiful!

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