dankmemes | Test Drive Meme #8

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!test drive

Test Drive Meme #8

Welcome to Hadriel's test drive, and thank you again for your interest in the game! As always, our reserves page is here, and our applications page is here! Reserves open April 24th, and apps are open May 1st.

Two quick points here as well:
1. Any thread made in Hadriel's test drive will be accepted as the sole Action Log sample in the application.
2. All threads made in the test drive can be considered game canon, either through handwaving or through a shared mental experience while coming through the Door!

Test drives will be broken up into specific god mini-events, during which your characters can see how well they fare under the watchful eye of one of the gods. Choose wisely or just simply pick 'em all, and have fun!

F E A R

SCENARIO ONE: DEAD FLESH BUFFET
[The Door brings in all that is chaotic and evil in the world. This may include you, may include the person next to you... and may include the monster behind you.

Watch out as you explore the streets of Hadriel, because you're not alone, and there's always something lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect chance to swarm around you and chow down. This time, the Door has brought in a group of rotfiends, from the video game The Witcher.

These unpleasant-looking creatures are necrophages, meaning they feed on the flesh of the dead, and if that flesh is in short supply they are happy to add to it. Normally found in groups, they are fast and difficult to corner. What's more, when on the verge of death, they have an annoying tendency to explode into a flammable cloud of poisonous toxins. You left your torch at home, right?]

R A G E
SCENARIO TWO: MMM WHATCHA SAY
[There you were, just walking along the street, minding your own business like a good underground hell-city citizen, when all of a sudden you saw someone. It was like love at first sight - if by 'love' you mean 'deep burning hatred'. You've never wanted to kill someone so much, and why? Well, you're not really sure, but there's probably a reason! You'll just have to figure it out. Or not. Who needs a reason for murder, anyway?

Or maybe you're the one someone else has targeted. Maybe you know they're after you and you're desperately trying to watch your back. Why do they hate you? You don't even know them. Or maybe you do, maybe they're your best friend. Either way, this is a super awkward situation, and someone might end up dead. Hopefully not you!

This is a mini version of our Assassin event this month!]

H O P E

SCENARIO THREE: SCRATCH OFF
[This morning, you received a scratch ticket in the mail (who knew Hadriel even had mail?), addressed to you. The instructions are clear enough - scratch off three matching icons, and you win a prize! Sure, okay. But here's the grand prize: a one-way ticket home.

Unfortunately, try as you might, you aren't gonna win that one, but keep hoping! And hey, just think of all the other GREAT PRIZES you could win: an inflatable duck, a plastic ring to give your sweetheart, an empty can of Red Bull, a cell phone charm shaped like a strange green creature with a boner.

So what if you didn't win that ticket home? You got something almost as good: a shitty prize! Thanks, Hope!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[To Grendel's credit it's not a bad punch, but Bigby lets it hit him without flinching. He rolls with it, because he's not so blinded by rage that he'd risk a broken jaw, but he goes to grab Gren's wrist before it gets out of range.]

Like there's any other fucking way that works with you.

[His way or the highway, asshole, and his free hand swings in hard to sink into Gren's stomach.]

Edited 2016-04-21 10:23 (UTC)

[Bigby's not pulling his punches and Gren sucks wind around his fist; it's a cheap shot, sucker-punching somebody in the gut, but he doesn't expect the sheriff to fight fair. His knees buckle and he's left in the awkward position of trying to get his breath back while Bigby's still got hold of his arm.]

F--fuck you--

[It's not the first time somebody'd got him by the arm, and Gren twists his wrist sharp towards Bigby's thumb and pulls to break his grip. After that, it's a matter of getting his arm around Bigby's knee and pulling to topple him, get rid of his advantage from still being on his feet. Let's take this fight to the floor, motherfucker, see how good you fight there.]

[He'd been bracing for Gren to punch him again when he got his hand free - but then he forgets that Grendel knows how to barfight better than him, and gets caught offguard by his leg getting hooked, and trying to step out of it just brings him down faster. He lands hard on his back with a grunt; his turn to get winded.

On the plus side, Gren's arm around his leg means his face is near Bigby's feet, and these boots are made for stomping. His free leg comes down hard, heel aimed at Grendel's nose.]

[Gren jerks back when he's got Bigby's foot at an incoming trajectory towards his face. He isn't fast enough to avoid it completely, but it catches him on the chin instead of right in the nose. His teeth clack together hard enough that it's probably audible, but at least he doesn't have to deal with a broken nose.]

[Seasoned barfighter that he is, he knows better than to let himself get too distracted by a hit like that. Besides, he can't lose the high ground here if he wants even a little hope of making it out of this scrap with his ass unkicked.]

[He forges ahead, out of kicking range and more into face punching range. His knuckles are just itching to get split on Bigby's teeth and he doesn't hesitate to let his fist fly once he's close enough.]

Fuckin' hypocrite piece of shit!

[He's two for two for being punched in the face now, and that second one's hard enough to make him taste blood. Gren sitting on his chest makes it very awkward for him to try and land a punch in return though, so instead he reaches up to grab Grendel's upper arm to keep another punch at bay, but also to pull himself up so that his other hand can go for his throat. No claws yet; he just wants to make Grendel suffer.]

Well aren't you one to talk!

Me? Me?

[He jerks his arm in Bigby's grip, but the sheriff's got a pretty good hold on him and he doesn't have quite the right angle to bear down hard enough to force his way down. He's at a severe disadvantage with his lack of an arm, so he's stuck trying to keep Bigby's hand away from his neck with his shoulder and by moving his entire torso.]

I ain't the one walkin' into bars saying how they care about fuckin' Fables and then feelin' justified about beatin' the shit outta people! Fuck you, Bigby, you're worse than all rest of 'em, you actually think you're fuckin' different from me!

[His face wrinkles at that, an ugly scowl that's borderline a snarl, and suddenly it's very easy to tighten his grip on Gren's jacket and throw the other Fable off him and into the ground, bad shoulder first. But he doesn't follow through with an attack, instead rolling onto his side so he can move into a crouch (that immediately becomes a kneel. Two head punches is not exactly forgiving for one's balance) and glare furiously at Grendel.]

And you think you're better than me? You're the one who's always fucking starting something - either that or you just sit there getting shitfaced! I'm the one putting my life on the line to make sure pieces of shit like Bloody Mary and the Crooked Man don't fuck over other Fables!

[Gren hits hard on his bad shoulder, and the shock of it rattles right through his rib cage. The wound's long since healed over, but it aches sometimes and a good hit to it will still make it throb like he's torn it open again.]

[He has to use his good arm to push himself up and shakes his head to clear it. Some of his hair's escaped the grip of all the pomade he uses to slick it back, and he pushes at it ineffectually to keep ti out of his eyes.]

It ain't about better, you stupid fuck. What were you doing a couple hundred years ago, Wolf?

[Killing and eating people, just like Gren used to do. They were, the both of them, monsters, and the only thing that made Bigby barely tolerated among the so-called polite society of Fabletown was the whim of one woman.]

Tell me it ain't arbitrary that you're the sheriff and I'm the guy in the bar that you feel all fuckin' fine about maiming.

[Gren's not wrong, and that's probably the worst part. He's tempted to snipe back, but Grendel isn't really the guy to make an 'I actually have a sense of control' snark at right now. The murderous rage is still there, but the fact that Grendel is being the rational one is a very good method of keeping it in check.

He pushes off, getting back to his feet with only mind swaying, and one hand rests on his waist while the other goes to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose.]

Never thought I'd see the day when you were the reasonable one.

[The thing is, Gren's not wrong about a whole lot of things, but people don't like to listen to him very much. Sure, his snarly, asshole disposition doesn't do him any favors, but Bigby over there isn't exactly Miss Congeniality either, so he really doesn't have room to criticize. Assholes in glass houses and all that.]

[It takes him a second or two to stagger up to his feet; he's had a few good hits to the head and he's a little off-balance. The whole missing arm thing probably doesn't help.]

You ain't exactly been looking too hard, either, sheriff. [It's not like Bigby ever wasted a whole lot of time listening to him when he talked.] You done now? Meet your fuckin' quota of beating the hell outta people who ain't doing shit?

[...also true. The Trip Trap and its occupants had never been a high priority for Fabletown until one of their number had gotten murdered.

But he's just gonna ignore that question until he doesn't feel like killing Grendel for arbitrary reasons; having a second punchdown in as many weeks is bad enough. Not looking at him is doing wonders for that regard, though, and a cigarette probably won't hurt either.]

I'm not the sheriff here, Gren.

[Huff 'n' Puffs are shit and he knows it, but good tasting cigs don't smother his senses properly. He blows out smoke as he looks around, still away from the other Fable.]

...wherever here is.

[And Bigby would've never cared about some dead troll prostitute if he hadn't gotten all upset over his new pet hooker winding up dead and Lily hadn't turned up in a Snow glamour. He got the job done and found her killer, sure, and that's what matters, but Gren doesn't kid himself for a second that Bigby did it because he cared about her.]

[He wrinkles his nose at the smell of Wolf's nasty-ass cigarettes. His sense of smell isn't all that much better than a human's, but that shit reeks even to him.]

Yeah, well, welcome to the fuckin' cave of wonders.

[He takes another breath and blows it out his nose. The wretched stuff did its job, completely blocking out the stink Grendel naturally let off. If only for a few seconds.]

...we get thrown down the Witching Well or something?

[Because he knows a lot of people who would want to do that to him, frankly. That one of them was there with him was only a minor moot point. Hell, he wouldn't even put it past Gren to try something like that.]

[Excuse fuckin' you, Bigby, at least secondhand alcohol isn't a thing.]

[Gren's lip twists in an ugly sort of sneer at the question. He's pretty much reached his fill of Bigby Wolf's Shit for the day.]

Do I look fuckin' dead to you? No, we ain't down the fuckin' Well, Wolf.

[Apparently Bigby doesn't know him as well as he thinks he does, either-- if Gren wanted to kill him, he'd do it to his face, not try to get the Well to do it for him. But even if Bigby took his arm and no one seemed to give a shit, Gren's not out to kill him. He found Lily's murderer and brought him in to justice and that's what Holly needed, so Gren can live with the rest.]

[With how strong his nose is? Might as well be.

He holds a breath of smoke as he gives Gren a frustrated look - and yep, there's a fresh urge to give him a matching pair of stumps. The cigs are helping at least.

His tone is barely contained patience as he blows again, away from Gren.]

I'm just trying to work out how the hell we got here, Gren. This isn't exactly Fabletown. Or the Homelands, by the smell of it.

No shit we're not in Fabletown or the Homelands. If you buy the party line, we got brought here because a fuckin' prick opened up a door.

[Too bad nobody knew all that much about this whole door thing or how it works, otherwise Gren would be all for getting the fuck out of the murdercave. Holly's probably worrying about him by now, and he hates making Holly worry.]

That's all I got. You're fuckin' welcome.

[Well what do you know, Gren's actually offering information freely. Bigby almost feels like this deserves applause. But at the same time, he knows that'll just start shit up again.

Right.

[It's not disbelieving, it's just... that makes no sense. And the way Gren's talking...]

Where the hell are you picking this up? You been here a while?

Almost half a fuckin' year.

[His mouth twists in something that's just a hair off from a snarl.]

Guess I ain't too fuckin' surprised that you haven't sent a search party out for me yet. Took you fuckin' weeks to give a shit that Lily was missing, even with me bangin' on your fuckin' door all the time.

[So who's going to notice if nasty old Gren goes missing? Good riddance, right?]

Half a... [....................???] What the fuck are you talking about? I saw you waiting in line at the Woodlands office a week ago!

[Gren how drunk have you been getting what the fuck]

I'm sorry we didn't investigate Lily sooner, but we would have noticed if you were gone for six fucking months!

Noticing doesn't mean that you'll do shit about it.

[Technically, they'd known that Lily was missing starting from when he'd filed the report. Knowing means nothing when nobody acts on what they know.]

[And he's pretty damn sure that the Business Office wouldn't give two fucks if he disappeared one day. That'd be one less headache for them, wouldn't it? One less asshole yelling for them to do something about something.]

I've been here almost six fuckin' months, Wolf, I can fuckin' count. What, do I have to show up in the fuckin' river glamoured up like Snow fuckin' White before shit'll get done?

[He's not going to argue semantics about the Business Office with fucking Grendel. He's right, again - with Crane being useless and Snow being harangued, it had been impossible to keep an eye on everyone that didn't force themselves into top priority, usually by backdoor means - but Bigby is running low on patience and cigarette at this point.]

You'd look a shit-ton better than you do right now.

Take a long walk off a short go fuck yourself, Bigby.

[Because desperate people ending up dead in the river is something to joke about. Classy, Bigby, always stay classy.]

[Gren takes a few steps closer to him, fist clenched. He wants to take another swing but knows it's a stupid thing to do.]

Maybe it's fuckin' funny to you, but it sure as fuck ain't funny to me. Or to Lily, or Holly, or all the other Fables who fall through the cracks because you assholes don't fuckin' care enough to do your jobs.

[A growl ripples through Bigby and there's a long moment of hesitation as it takes more willpower than he'd care to admit to not give Grendel a broken rib.

That comment had been a very low blow and he does regret it, but that's definitely not the emotion in the front of his mind as he takes a deliberate step away from Gren.]

How many times do we have to tell you that it was fucking Crane who was preventing us from doing anything about it? You think we want to just sit back and let pieces of shit like Bluebeard get first place in line?

It was the same shit with Cole, too, and it's gonna be the same shit with Snow White in charge, because nothing ever fuckin' changes. How long are you gonna hide behind old fuckin' excuses?

[Gren would almost rather take the fight right now; it would be simpler, because he can vomit all the words he wants at Bigby, but he knows it's never going to matter. Bigby already seems to think that he knows all there is to know about Gren, so why would he ever listen?]

[But at least there's one thing that they can agree on: Bluebeard is a fucking sleaze.]

~~[Fine, we’ll get NEW excuses.]~~

[Bigby is getting very tired of this argument. With all his detective skills he can't work out what the fuck Gren wants from him, but by the smell of adrenaline in the air, right now it's probably a punching bag.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. He wants to actually sound sincere for this.]

The system we have... doesn't help the people who need it. You're right. And I'm sorry that it took Faith, and especially Lily, dying for us to do anything about it.

[He does care about the Fables he has to take care of, he really does. But being actively hated and feared for very good reasons makes it very hard for him to do anything about it.]

We're going to make the system better. We have to. Nobody wants this to happen again.

Test Drive Meme #8

(ง •̀_•́)ง

I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. I'LL KICK YOUR DOG'S ASS. I'LL KICK MY OWN ASS.

Float like a brick sting like a taser

The hands can't hit WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TWO HANDS, ASSHOLE

Ain't brawls just a BITCH

Second only to Bigby

OOOOOOH

/shots fired

those are some fucking mad shots

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