( one ) Tell me we have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat. ( two ) You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he said he was "just gonna walk it off". ( three ) Someone just said I have an ass that could kill small children ... Don't know how to take that one. ( four ) Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
1. i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
2. I want my own dragon army. I think I would be a good dragon army leader.
3. I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong . 4. do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconscious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
1. You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
2. He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
3. There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
4. You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
5. I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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Emily "my boys won't hesitate to run up on your boys" Davis
2. he told me to be a woman and make him dinner, so i threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner
3. get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get your shit together
4. text her
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i am so proud of you
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[His mother raised him right in that regards.]
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rey.
2. ok, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on valentine's day an acceptable goal?
3. drew a giant robot attacking a city on the last guard report. someone colored in the fire on the burning building. was it you?
4. it was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
5. (send text?)
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2-ish, the aftermath
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lmfao drunk Shadow is the best
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Kate "bad bitches get down on the floor" Galloway
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cecily "human dumpster fire" trevelyan
002. "...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count."
003. "You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder"
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rosie;
2. I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
3. Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
4. text her!
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hannah "barely any screentime" washington
002. "I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor"
003. "I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico"
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Kain
2. I want my own dragon army. I think I would be a good dragon army leader.
3. I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong
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4. do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconscious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
5. Text him!
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its sans mcfreaking undertale
2. lol so guess who woke up with mangoes in bed with me
3. he wrote his entire dissertation last night. i can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
4. hey, hey. don't put me in that position. i am not qualified to be the responsible adult here and everyone knows it.
5. text him.
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Maketh
2. Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
3. Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
4. You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
5. text her!
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sorry about her
she's totally justified
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Hux
2. You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
3. You put that much wine in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
4. I don't remember what you did, but I do remember that I'm supposed to hate you for it.
5. [text him]
4
I made copies of that video. Multiple copies.
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Quill
2. Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
3. I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masturbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
4. Do you think anyone will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
5. Stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strongly worded texts look harmless and adorable.
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2. I didn't want your company. I wanted spaghetti.
3. I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky.
4. I just had a dream that I was fighting a fat chocobo... Gotta stop reading books before bed
5. Text her!
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[He doesn't even know, and yet he DOES feel guilty. Guilty of being Kain, basically.]
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Kylo Ren
2. the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
3. I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
4. My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
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Ushahin
2. I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
3. why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
4. It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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Jo Harvelle
2) This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
3) rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
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( Katherine... )
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Re: 3.
Turing
2. What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
3. Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
4. Text them!
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Ikaruga
2. He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
3. There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
4. You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
5. I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
6. Text her
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do continue
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